im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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