I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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