I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
