Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
