I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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