Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
