I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
