3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He passed out mid-signature
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
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