Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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