The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
