Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
