I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
