Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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