He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I will be naked everywhere
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
