i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
