i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
