addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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