If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
