my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
