I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
