If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
