Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
