also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
