I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
