We're facebook friends in real life
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
