Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
