respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
