I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
