new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
