matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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