WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
