Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
