if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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