you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
