I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
