hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
MIDGETS
????
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
