My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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