Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
