My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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