Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
