Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
