We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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