if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
