i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
my poor anus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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