Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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