dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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