I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
