Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
