we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
