Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
