I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Pooping to opera.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
